To Purge or Not To Purge

This sorting out process is hard.  Its been nearly 20 years since I last dumped my purse.  As I sift through the contents laying out before me it is very difficult to know what is important and what is not; what I want and what I don't.   Some of the stuff that I need to examine has been in there for so long that it has stuck itself to the lining  (I must have had some gum in there.) I'm having a very hard time getting a lot of it out so that I can even identify it.  

On the one hand, it doesn't bother me too much that its stuck there.  On the other hand,  I have just been thrown a curve ball.  Should I keep to the things that will put me back on the same track - a track I know well and was not prepared to get off in the first place?  Those things have proven very important and reliable over the years.   Or do I chisel away at all that glued on stuff, toss it all and start again?  

Let me say something about starting over.  I think it could be really cool.  But it ain't for the faint of heart.

I'm a fan of Facebook.  I check it everyday.  I love that I can keep up with people at my leisure and at my own pace.  And the great thing of it is that my Facebook friends will just pop up on my "wall" to let me know what is going on without me even having to ask.  Such was the case today with Sandy. Sandy showed up on my wall because a photo of her had been "tagged".  I was able to click on the photo and see what was up with her.  Well, Sandy, who lives in New York, apparently just got a show and she is in rehearsal for it.  The photos showed her and the rest of the cast sitting in chairs around the piano for what is obviously a music rehearsal.  Sandy looks like she's having fun.  This struck me because about 17 years ago I sat in a similar environment, with Sandy and other cast members, as we rehearsed the music to a show we were all in.  It was fun.  It was also a really good show.  And it wound up being a bit of a hit.  I have great memories of that show. Yes, I used to be an actress.  Or at least I tried to be.  Sort of.  

The fact is, I am a decent singer, a so-so actress, and a really good performer.   What I mean by that is that I have a really good stage presence and I "come across".  So I did pretty well in the musical genre.   My reviews were always good.  I had an agent.  I had my union cards.  But I didn't have the courage to really pursue it.  I had a heightened awareness of my limitations and so it didn't take much for me to talk myself out of taking risks.  So while Sandy and others from that cast have gone on to find work on Broadway and tour companies - without the need for temp jobs between shows - I took the day job that led me to Disney.  

Clearly, I was not unhappy with they way that turned out so I'm not going to go on about the "path never taken".  Chances are, I wouldn't have made a living as an actress and making a living was a priority for me.  But it was something I loved.  And I had enough talent to be moderately successful without a lot of effort.  And while I was very happy in my career, I didn't seek it out.  It sort of happened to me.  As such, it required no courage.   I'm not suggesting that I should now go off and try to be the actress I "could have been".  I'm not feeling like that is something I need to do.  I'm feeling as though I need to replace the job I lost. 

The point here is that while I know what I feel I need to do,  I don't know what it is that I want to do.  I don't know that I don't want to do what I have been doing.  But does that mean that I should keep doing it?  I have been looking for jobs in magazine ad sales.  There are very few.  So I've been looking for jobs in other industries as well.  But I have been looking for jobs.  Jobs with an office and a desk and a phone and a benefits package.  And every time I submit my resume I wonder: "If I get this job, will I want to do it?"  Is there something else?  The thought of it is mildly intriguing but mostly terrifying.  

I am at a crossroads.  If I choose to look at it not as a tragedy but as a time when God is calling me to see something new, do something new, be something new - should I rush to what I have known? Even if it makes me feel comfortable again?  Even if it is responsible and reasonable? Even if it solves what feels like a big, scary problem?   Every fiber of my being is telling me that I need to feel comfort again and that I have to solve that problem.  But I gotta tell you, deep down I am beginning to hear another faint little voice.  It says: "No. Keep dumping".

Maybe my biggest challenge isn't about finding a job right now.  Maybe the biggest challenge facing me is figuring out how to peel off all that stuff that has so stubbornly stuck itself to the inside of my purse.  Maybe I'll find some courage in there.