A Man and His Rat

I am a very independent woman but I totally expect that Bob will do all the gross stuff around the house. It is Bob's job to take out the garbage and clean up after the dogs. He has to unclog clogged toilets and fix backed up drains. And for the most part, he does all that stuff without objection. I figured I did most of the diapers for four babies so it seems a fair trade. But he also has to take care of any of nature's pests. We live up on a hill with a lot of open space so there is a lot a nature. Namely rattlesnakes and rats.

Now I need to tell you that I would rather deal with a rattlesnake than a rat any day. I loathe rodents. They fully gross me out. Once when Bob was out of town, I had a couple of mice that were sneaking in. I had to set traps and every time I heard one snap I started to cry. Not because I killed a mouse, but because I was going to have to throw it out and to do that, I had to look at it. I am not joking, I started to cry. And when they got into my pots and pans cupboard I was so grossed out that I threw out the pans and started from scratch. I have killed my share of rattlers since we moved here 15 years ago but frankly, in the summer, we have a lot less rats because of the snakes so in a weird sort of way, rattlers are my friends.

But it ain't summer right now.

Now you need to understand, having rats up here is just part of the trade off for getting the view. Your house can be spotless and ready for the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval - you are going to have rodents around. Because frankly, we set up house on their turf. The land surrounding us is protected so they, along with rabbits, raccoons, coyotes, possum and a variety of other wild life roam free and come to visit the residents here regularly. Add to that the fact that we have ivy in the backyard and let's just say I know what rats look like. And they know what I look like. And it makes me gag.

Now because we keep things pretty clean and picked up in the garage and because we have "rat proofed" our house - they pretty much keep to themselves. But you can slip up. And that is just what we did. Or shall I say, Bob did. Bob left a great big open bag of dog food out in the garage. For like, a week.

Now here is what is so weird about my husband. When it comes to animal rights, my husband gets furious! He can't stand organizations like P.E.T.A. He believes that animals have NO rights. Other than those humans choose to give them through ownership. But he CANNOT BEAR to kill an animal. And that includes the rats. He feels so sorry for them. He thinks they all have cute little faces and actually worries about little rat families that are waiting for daddy or mommy rat to bring home the dog food to eat. And I am not making this crap up. He's a total fruit loop when it comes to hurting any living thing so his attempts to rid our garage of the rat (or rats) have been far less aggressive than what I would like.

So the other day, one of the traps goes off and he runs out to see if he has caught anything (because they often go off and there is no reward for the effort) and this time, he saw a stunned and injured rat, unable to move fast enough to make a quick get away. Clearly, the humane thing to do would have been to hit it hard with the shovel but honest to God - this is exactly what Bob did instead: He escorted it down our driveway with the purpose of seeing it to the end of the street where the protected land begins, so that this rat could die "at home". You know, so that he could die like all rats certainly must dream of ending their little rat lives. Peacefully and in familiar surroundings. And if he could have arranged it, Bob wold have given some sort of secret rat call and gathered the rat's little rodent loved ones around.

So anyway, I'm looking out the window at a man and his rat walking solemnly together on this farewell stroll, and this little ceremony begins to get an audience. First Grace, then the neighbors (who undoubtedly collected their own Bob story to tell later) and soon enough, we have a little parade of people walking along the street. With a rat. And I am looking out the window just shuddering with the complete ickiness of it all. But then, another resident of our area arrived. A giant hawk perched itself on top of a wire and set his eye on the doomed rat. At this point, Grace covered her eyes and ran home. Bob and neighbor watched as the bird eyed the rodent and the rodent prayed for a miracle, but it was not to come. Bob stepped back and the bird dove in and expertly nabbed the rat and with a teeny, final rat squeak, it was over. The bird had done my husband's job for him. And I wondered for a moment if the bird could also unclog a sink. But regardless, it is done. The nasty thing is gone and I feel nothing for it. At all. Except that it probably is too bad that it wasn't "over" with the snap of the trap. Prolonged death and all - not a good thing.

Anyway, that is how to get rid of a rat. Bob style.