The Reinvention - Day 1 in Which Valri Cuts Her Hair

Okay this is the part where I get really, really honest with myself. To fortify myself, I got my hair cut. (See photo to left.) Seems stupid but most women will agree, they can see things differently and better when they look different and better. I don't know why that is - but it is. Thank you Lisette - I love the "new do". (No, not that kind of "new do".)

So here is what is true. I am scared - really scared. I'm not so scared that the sky is going to fall or that we are going to be on the streets. I am scared that I really have no true talents or abilities. I realize that in my last post I said that I was good at a lot of things - and I am. But when you are putting pencil to paper and sorting it all out, you start to wonder, "am I really good at this?" This should not be surprising because I cannot tell you the number of people (women primarily), professional or otherwise, who will tell you they feel the same way. Usually it takes a few Vodka Gimlets in a dark bar at about midnight - but given the right circumstances, most people will confess to feeling - at least at times - like a sham. (I'll bet a whole bunch of you are saying to yourselves, "yeah, that's me".) Maybe you (like I) sold a big account into your magazine - got a huge commission for it. Everyone is congratulating you and telling you how awesome you are. You are pointed out in the next sales meeting. Everyone applauds. You thank everyone and talk of how hard you worked on it. But really you are thinking: "That fell into my lap. I did nothing to get it". Or you're getting a reputation for being really good at what you do and you're thinking: "One of these days everyone is going to figure out that I don't know what the hell I'm doing". I remember very clearly about 12 years ago I was at a meeting at the advertising agency Saatchi and Saatchi for the Toyota account. Because I was working on a kids magazine, it was the first time I was in front of this group. I came in with several of my colleagues at Disney and we went round the table introducing ourselves and when I gave my name, one of the agency people (someone I had never met) said: "You're Valri Jackson?" (I used my maiden name at the time) "Oh my god, you're a 'goddess'!" I was thrilled to have such a compliment issued in front of my peers but I was thinking: " What are you talking about?" Okay, enough said about feeling like a fraud.

I have to believe that since so many people feel this way it must also be true that enough stuff falls into everyone's lap to make them suspicious of their own talents. And I guess it is also true that if something comes easily for you, its hard to think of it as a talent. But I can talk. And I am likable. And I can get you to think my way. So I guess I can sell. But why everyone can't do that, I'll never know.

So if I don't analyze it to death, I can stick to what I said yesterday. I am good at a lot of damned stuff.

Anyway, to come full circle on this topic - I clearly have to focus and work to fend off the fear that I will not be able to do what my prospective employer will want me to do - even if I've made a career out of doing it! I am reminded of when I first moved to Los Angeles as a 21-year-old newbie. So intimidated was I of the city and my lack of abilities that I nearly took a job making donuts on the graveyard shift at a shop around the corner from my apartment rather than apply for an entry level, 9-t0-5 clerical job at some company somewhere. It turns out, getting the clerical job was easy and I moved up rapidly but as I continue to "click and send" resumes to the far corners of wherever, I am feeling fairly confident about my ability to make some donuts. So here is what I am going to do immediately to remind myself that I can do anything. (Because I can!) I am going to do something really hard. I am going to lose the freakin' 50 pounds.

I'm not kidding. Six months.

On my mark, get set, go!