On the Subject of the Big Blah. (blah blah...)

My new office (which by the way still looks like Amanda's bedroom with a desk and file cabinet) looks out over our backyard. Now I would like to say what a glorious view it is but I can't. It is true that the roses are starting to bloom and they will be gorgeous but we have no creative landscaping here and so I am looking at a neat row of rose bushes against a wall that needs paint. And uneven green grass with random smatterings of dead patches and holes. And the roof the neighbors house. And tree tops. And today it is very overcast and silvery outside and it is contributing to a mood that is scarily close to that black hole precipice.

I have my iTunes going on my computer to inspire but I cannot get on board with the day. I feel empty and bored and lacking in everything. I remind myself that "this is the day the Lord hath made" but my mind finishes the phrase with "but I'd just as soon take a pass".

Every weird ache and pain is accentuated, opening the door to health obsessions to fill my day (and probably night.) I have recently had all the annual checks - but maybe they missed something. Like I'm dying from some strange, rare disease that they never check for because no one ever gets it. Except me. Vertigo is a weird new malady I have acquired. The fun never ends.

What is it about the weather that can so influence the day? I want to accomplish something. But I can't get excited about what to accomplish. What would make me feel better? A pristine house to be sure. But I just can't face a toothbrush and clorox and the grout just now. Travelzoo.com! Oh yes! I'll plan a trip. Oh yeah - not in the budget just now.

I just closed the first issue of my new magazine - I made my goal and beat my quota and yet, "so what?"

I was invited to be a regular contributor to a blog group called 50somethingmoms.com, a division of a fairly prestigious blog community (Katie Couric writes for it too!), and they would like me to contribute at least two original posts a month which seems like nothing at all - considering how easy it is for me to drone on about nothing - but now that I have to, I am blocked. Plus, I have been asked to be a guest speaker on Mother's Day at church - a scant two weeks away - and "I got nothin'".

And then, I just read something by some woman who is facing "getting old" for the first time. She's really struggling with the reality of it all. She's 38. Oh to be able to reach through the computer and slap someone.

Yeah, yeah. Waah, waah. Blah, blah.