American Tragedy - Part II

In the interest of bipartisan balance, after criticizing Sarah Palin in my last post, Senators Anthony Weiner and John Edwards (a man I once supported!) are equally deserving of distain for being liars and idiots. With Edwards' recent indictment for a scandal that seems to have no end and Weiner's embarrassing tweet escapades, one can only shake their head and wonder how two such seemingly intelligent and respectable individuals could possibly think they could get away with such disgraceful and immoral behavior. Yes, they are only human but isn't that the point? Humans are not supposed to behave like pigs.

American Tragedy

With all due respect to my friends who think otherwise, after yet another embarrassing "gotcha question" thrown at her "randomly" by the news media (specifically, "What has most impressed you on your tour and what are you going to take away with you?"), I must go on record to say that Sarah Palin is an complete imbecile. I am utterly embarrassed by her. But possibly more horrifying is the fact that Wikipedia (unfortunate research source for school-aged kids) has been updated to reflect some of Ms. Palin's ridiculous rendering of Paul Revere's ride (although likely as a joke). Further, she insists she knew what she was talking about and went on to say that Paul Revere was also "ringing his bells" through the streets so that the "British could hear the warning that we were not going to tolerate them taking away our arms".

Frankly, she terrifies me.

Gut Cleaning the House

Well, I've been putting it off and putting it off. Cleaning my house, that is. I honestly don't know how but somehow I had let it get completely out of control and just the thought of tackling it left me exhausted. I didn't even know where to begin.

But there was no getting around it today. Amanda is coming home on Wednesday. And she's bringing "the boyfriend". Now normally I try to keep the house reasonably picked up and tidy for my own sake - but company - and more specifically company I have never met - calls for a much higher effort. So today it was all hands on deck for a real "gut clean".

This was not just the floors and laundry, the dusting and folding and straightening, the bathroom sinks and tubs - this was the vacuuming of pillows and furniture and cobwebs and base boards. This was the purging and organizing and taking everything out of its place and cleaning the shelves and putting it back better. This was the nooks and crannies of the refrigerator. This was the dusting of all photo and picture frames. This was the narrow attachment of the vacuum cleaner around the periphery of the carpet in every room and hallway. This was the toothbrush to the grout. This was the walls. And when it was all done, it still didn't sparkle like new because, because my house is old and needs a lot of work. And now I see clean but I see painting that needs to be done and stuff I no longer like that needs to be tossed - and lord in heaven - carpets. I need new carpets. Because they look like I have donkeys instead of dogs running around the house.

Also, somewhere in the effort I did something to my foot and now my ankle is screaming every time I step on my foot without thinking purposely about it. And I took this as a sign. A sign to quit while I'm ahead.

So I texted Amanda and I said: "How nicely does Dan's mom keep her home - and don't you DARE tell him I asked." Amanda replied almost immediately: "Pretty near spotless." And so my heart sank. Looking around at all that needed to get done to look spotless represented another full day of toothbrushes and polishing and then, at that precise moment, Bob walked through the back door after having been working on the garden - still a work in progress. But he stepped directly in with no pause so I barked loudly: "For god's sake, Bob! I just vacuumed! Did you even wipe your feet?" Having had it with my orders for the day, he replied with a chirp: "No!" And then he turned his back to me. And then he mooned me.

I took this as a sign that my first sign was confirmed.

So Dan will have to take us just as we are, given the full moon and all.

Murder in My Heart

Today I was in a bit of a rush to get home from the grocery. That parking lot is always busy and I proceed with great caution getting out of it. Not only cars but so many people everywhere. So I am driving slowly down the main artery of this parking lot - toward the exit when a woman with very short blonde hair begins, several feet ahead of me to walk - diagonally - across it. And she turned to look at me. And she continued to walk, diagonally, blocking my way for far longer than it would have taken had she just walked in a straight line. And she was S-L-O-W.

I know that pedestrians have the right of way at all times -whether in a crosswalk or the middle of a busy street. I understand this and respect it. Of course you stop for people.

But...

When you stop your car to let someone get safely across the street - an adult - and they have with them no child holding their hand, no heavy bags to carry, no seeing eye dog, no wheelchair or walking cane, no impairment - and they see you - acknowledge you even - and then make not even a pretense of picking up their pace so that you can get on with your day - and then if you should lose your mind at the arrogance of it and hit the accelerator, I believe it becomes a case for justifiable homicide.

Now that didn't happen today, but I'm just saying.

An Emmy in the Toilet

Leslie has an Emmy. We found it in her bathroom. Next to the toilet.

Saturday night was another gathering of our little group of gals from Theatre West. I've blogged about this group of women a couple of times before. We met again at Leslie's which seems to be the central venue for our sort-of-regular meets. Her house is, as previously reported, very cool and lends itself very nicely to casual and comfortable rabble rousing.

We've taken to meeting about every 6 to 8 weeks or so, or when birthdays call (on Saturday we celebrated Elise's and Leslie's) but individual birthday celebrating is secondary to what has become a grown up version of a junior high-school slumber party - complete with iTunes, potato chips, snacks, blankets, giggling, confessions, some surprising back stories, and general gab (though most of us do go home to sleep). Oh and there is alcohol (lots of it!) from which I do not partake but which rubs off on me anyway.

Now I suppose this sounds like the sort of thing many "tribes" of girlfriends engage in - and maybe it is. But it is a very unique experience for me. Because this tribe is a cast of immensely entertaining characters unlike no other. Not to say that my other friends are not interesting, unique, and fun, or that I don't enjoy their friendship just as much - but something about this group together is different. Because while we were all at Theatre West together some 25 years ago, I don't think any of us is at all like the other. We are like 7 (or 8 when Seemah comes) pieces from different puzzle games that somehow fit together to make some crazy quilt of friendship. And the picture we make - once we are assembled - looks kinda cool.

So anyway, last night Jane returned from a visit to the bathroom and announced she had given Leslie's Emmy a much needed polishing. Given where she had just been this statement seemed a bit odd - so naturally, all our ears pricked up. I knew Leslie had received an Emmy (from her work as co-executive producer and writer for "Everybody Loves Raymond"), but I had never seen it. As it turns out, Leslie had found a home for it in her bathroom on the shelf, right next to the toilet. (Ahem.) Despite such an unworthy place this coveted statue received from its owner, as women with "actress" running through our veins, it was immediately fetched, brought to the center of the table and adorned. Literally. We dressed Emmy up with jewelry, glasses, and flowers and we all had our photo taken with it. It was like playing with grown-up Barbie. Sheila a recognizable character actress who has had a successful career for the past many years, stood and posed for a photo and about 15 seconds after the shot was taken, I noticed she was still frozen in her pose - holding the trophy high and wearing a broad smile. I said: "I got the picture, Sheila." Without missing a beat, she replied: "Are you sure?" Hilarious. Anyway, it is very heavy and her wings are really sharp and Leslie has a story about an actress accidentally getting stabbed by one when her co-star walked off the stage, carelessly swinging it in his stride.

Of course Emmy wasn't the only thing going on that evening. We were loud and bawdy. We all lamented over menopause, ovarian ultrasounds, the danger of consulting WebMD and how we are all - in one way of another - hit with hard times. We got to share success stories too - a recent TV interview Jane had; a truly great voice over tape Cyndy had just recorded. But mostly we were just glad to be in each other's company - Anne, a mother of 3 boys, summing it up by stating how wonderful it was to be away from anything with a penis. We did get around to birthday cake as it was Elise's actual birthday, and once again, everyone took off their rings to place over a burning candle in hopes of getting a birthday wish too - a tradition Jane began last summer. Unfortunately, I couldn't get my ring off so I had to resort to an earring. So as you can guess, my wish was to weigh less.

In all it was a lot of silliness but I have to admit that I was rather impressed with the Emmy. I know we live in Los Angeles where they give these things out and if you are an active member of the industry there are probably only three (rather than seven) degrees of separation between you and someone who has one. But it is an enormous accomplishment nonetheless. And Leslie has one! Even if it is in the toilet. I hasten to add that there is accomplishment to go around. Sheila has an accomplished career as an actress. Cyndy is a producer/writer/actress who has her own award-winning one-woman show. Anne is doula and an actress, most recently seen on Grey's Anatomy, Elise is a writer, director, actress, coach with a very long list of credits. Jane is a doctor, actress, singer/songwriter. And I? Well, I had a great career in sales and I used to sing and sort of act and now I write this.

Our little eclectic group of friends does little more than catch up, laugh, share, eat, smoke, drink, and occasionally dress up high-profile awards when we meet but there is an "energy" (oh that word!) that is palpable among us. You can't misstep here for reasons I cannot explain other than to say it is a bit like stepping into a play, where all the characters are well written and defined and integral to the plot. Like Steel Magnolias, the Ya Ya Sisterhood, the Joy Luck Club, or the girls from Sex in the City, our little group has a heart of its own, and when we're together, we all beat to it.

End of the World

Wow. Another tornado in Joplin, Missouri took out the town and as of now at least 89 lives. There will probably be more. There were over 300 lost last month to the tornado in Alabama. Major earthquakes in Japan, Pakistan, Mexico and Turkey. Floods along the Mississippi. Tsunamis. Crazy weather. Fallen economies. There is no mistaking that recent events have an apocalyptic feel about them. So is it the end of the world? Well if it is, it isn't because some guy says he figured out the math and came up with the date.

As a Christian, I do believe that Jesus will return someday. But this focus on being ready for "the rapture" is a distraction from the work at hand. The real issue is that we don't have to wait for God to come back. God is here right now - and our ability to be ready for our own personal "judgement day", which could come at any time without warning in the form of a heart attack or car accident or a myriad of other ways - isn't going to be in passing out fliers or selling all our possessions and taking ads of warning out around the world. Our ability to be ready is in our conscious decision to be available to give sacrificially to help those in need - right here in the U.S. and abroad. There is no end to the need right now. We all give. We have to give more. Of our resources, our time, ourselves.

We can't stop earthquakes or tornadoes or floods from happening. But we can help those who are victimized by them. The bible gives a very simple solution for this. Give 1 penny out of every 10 that you have. Sounds very doable, right? Okay well what if all our pennies add up to $10,000? That means you give $1,000. That sounds pretty scary. But it is exactly the same. And we have to be willing to do it because if everyone gave 10% of what they earned to help those in need around the world, we would actually have no one in need. And that would be better for all of us.

Of course, there is a catch - it should be done in secret. Because while we may feel so generous and kind because we are willing to give 10% of what we work so hard for, in truth it has absolutely nothing to do with us. Because while we work hard for our money, we can always find thousands more who work harder and have nothing at all. The fact is that while we may work hard, it is by the grace of God that we are blessed with whatever it is we have. So when we give, we need to take ourselves out of it. We are asked to give from our blessings - which we deserve no more than the hardworking person who has nothing. We have been blessed by God so that He can use us to bless others. And it is really important that we recognize this and be grateful. Because it can all be taken from us without warning - just ask the 8.7%++ unemployed right now. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what we have. What matters is what we have done with what we have been given. And from this attitude, we serve God. And if we serve God, we love Him and we will be ready for our own individual judgement day - however and whenever it comes. No need for panic.

One last thought. This issue of tithing (giving 10%) - it is the only place in the bible where God asks you to test Him. He says to give one tenth of everything you have and see if you are not rewarded ten-fold. I always bet on God's promises. Open a newspaper. There is someone somewhere who desperately needs one dollar from your ten.

Constructing a Case for Throwing in the Towel

I am teaching debate. Sort of.

A gazillion years ago (when I was in high school) I was in the National Forensics League. My event was Dramatic Interpretation (DI) and I would double enter in Humorous Interpretation (HI). And I was pretty good. I went to nationals twice, once as a first place winner from my district and once as a first place winner from the state. I loved these competitions. I loved winning. I loved being good.

But one of my coaches insisted that I enter in debate as well. My first go around with it was humiliating. I walked into my first round and announced to the opposing team that they were going to win. My partner was furious. The result of that particular debate ended not so much with the other team wiping the floor with me, but rather with me slitting my own wrists with a dull knife and then them wiping the floor with me as I bled and watched, and begged for a quick and merciful end and yet, never quite died. And I didn't love that so I learned the mechanics and didn't embarrass myself again. It wasn't my event, but I learned to get through it. And I learned to enjoy it.

So anyway, Grace's 6th grade teacher asked if I would be willing to introduce debate to the class.

"Sure", says I, figuring this would be simple. I would introduce them to the basics, choose a subject that they could engage in and let them go at it. And here is what I can tell you now: Simple, it ain't.

Part of the trouble is that I talk and brevity is not my strength. This may have actually helped me in debating because you have to fill a lot of time and sometimes you just have to spin it out - but to teach a room full of 11 year olds, economy of words is what will win the day. For this, I own no trophies. The first few times I was there and we were doing the spar debates everyone seemed to have fun and get excited, but as I began getting into the subject of research, and building cases, what a cross examination question was, rebuttals, terminology - I saw eyes glaze over and children began writing on their arms with sharpie pens and erasers started to fly across the room.

Uh...

So anyway, I don't know how to get them functional in debate without all this information. It seems they just want to spar - and that's a lot of fun. But research? Two weeks before graduation? Not too many takers.

So today, trying to engage the few who still have some interest while trying to keep those with roaming minds from roaming too far, I tried to give everyone a manageable assignment. In identifying the contentions of the case, I gave only one to each student to research on the Internet and told them to write a one paragraph argument. I'd be very happy with 5 complete sentences. And these kids are capable - but willing? That's another matter.

So my day ended with the following conversation with one very sweet, very earnest, but very distracted young boy:

Me: "So, what are you going to write?"

Boy: "What?"

Me: "We've been talking about this, remember?"

Boy: "Oh, yeah. What am I going to do?"

"We talked about how you were going to write an argument about how playing video games can lead to isolation."

"Oh yeah. Okay."

"And you're going to do that, right?"

"Right."

"You are."

"Yes."

"And you're going to research this how?"

"How?"

"On the Internet tonight."

"Oh yeah, on the Internet."

"Tonight right?"

"Yeah."

"Because we really need this tomorrow. Your team is counting on you. And I can count on you, right?"

"Right."

"So you are going to do this tonight and bring it in tomorrow."

"Probably not."

I kid you not. And I have to laugh, because the kid was just telling the truth.

So I think I can forget a career as a debate coach.