Emailing God

I get bored with patience. I feel like I am floating in the vast void of space, waiting to figure out "what next". It is possible to look for work, look for opportunities, look for "signs", and still feel like you are going nowhere. I realize that I am still wanting things to come easily.

I honestly feel like God has something in mind for me. But I do wish He would just write me an email or something. With a little nod to Ellen, perhaps it might look like this:

To: God@Heaven.com

cc: Doubtingthomas@heaven.com

Dear God:

Please forgive the fact that I haven't been in any sort of regular contact with you of late. You know that you are constantly on my mind. I am so grateful that you know my thoughts but it would be really great if you could respond to a few of them - specifically - what should I be doing with the rest of my life?

Love,

(your fan)

Valri Smith

P.S. I cc'd Thomas because I thought, as a fellow "doubter", if you didn't have time to respond, he might.

To: ValriSmith@ymail.com

cc: DoubtingThomas@Heaven.net

Dear Valri:

Yes, I know your thoughts so please be advised that I am aware that I am not, in fact, constantly on your mind. Please try to remember that there is no foolin' Me.

I wish I could tell you how many requests per minute I get from people like you who want to know what they should be doing. Were I not God, the sheer volume of it would be exhausting to even think about. Fortunately, for Me, it is not a problem.

Okay, so you want to know what to do with your life. Well, let's start with the basics. Where is your heart these days?

Your fan,

God

P.S. This is really not Thomas' line, so no need to cc him further.

P.P.S. I was able to intercept this from the web but Heaven is not a company, as such - more of a network so please note the correct address.

To: God@Heaven.net

cc:

Dear God:

You're a fan? Really? I sincerely cannot imagine why. I am a mess. And a big fake. And I'm sorry I tried to fool you with that "you are constantly on my mind" line. I thought it might endear me to you. Silly me. So really, you're a fan? How come?

XOX,

Valri

To: Valrismith@ymail.com

cc:

Valri:

It seems you have gotten off track. Did you want to know what you should be doing for the rest of your life or are you looking for Me to fan your ego?

Yours,

God

To: God@Heaven.net

cc:

Dear God:

OMG! I did get off track. I guess I just got caught up in your comment about being a fan of mine. I suppose you are a fan of everyone, huh? Okay. Well it is good to know I am in good standing with you.

So I scrolled back and saw that you had asked where my heart was these days. Well, I suppose my heart lies in doing something creatively. I am enjoying writing my blog - have you read any of it? And I think I have a gift for speaking - (thanks). But I know both of these areas are hard to crack. I guess I'm hoping you might open some doors for me (or gates - ha ha - get it?).

I also need to make enough money to buy medical benefits. So could you work that out as well?

Much love,

Valri

To: Valrismith@ymail.com

cc:

Dear Valri:

Whoa! Let's be clear. Guidance I am all over. But you have to do the work. Have you read anyof my book? I would love for you to show me one example where personal success came without some work and sacrifice on my peoples' part. And let's be clear about "personal success" as well. If you are looking to find your own "glory", you're totally on your own.

But let me address your heart. The direction you're leaning is not hard to "crack". Investigate it on the web. Its all there for you. I can work with what is on your heart. "Be still and know..." - remember that one?

Here is something else. You write that it is good to know that you're in "good standing". Don't be so quick to jump to that conclusion. Yes, I'm a fan (primarily because you are My idea in the first place), but that doesn't mean its "all good" between us. I am really getting irritated with the little pity party you keep throwing yourself. In case you haven't noticed, you're the only one showing up for it these days. Disney was a job, not a life. Also, your performance at home is really disappointing of late. Get over yourself already. Do you really think that holding grudges is something I am okay with? You have a big issue with pride - you are hearing this from Me! You've heard the expression. Mark My words: You are setting yourself up for a Grand Canyon kind of fall.

So here is what I want you to do. Put your house in order. Set aside your pride and apologize to your family for acting like such a baby these past few days. Repair your immediate relationships. Continue to look for work. Write in your blog (yeah, I've read it. Some posts better than others...) - seek speaking engagements. Follow up on leads people offer. Write your dad. Lose the weight already. Get off the couch and walk a little bit maybe. Investigate health care plans. Take leaps of faith. Help anyone in need. Feed the poor. Clothe the naked. Think about Me constantly. For real. Constantly remember the times you have put it all in My ballpark and how I never let you down. Not once. Hope. Love better. Prioritize. Train your eyes - and you will see Me standing at the paths you should take.

Let's start with that for now, okay?

Love,

God

P.S. It is really true that I want an intimate relationship with you, but that "OMG" thing. I am God, after all. A little respect??

P.P.S. Your "open gates" joke was kind of lame.

To: God@Heaven.net

cc:

Dear God:

I can't say that I'm not a little disappointed - but you already know that. I was hoping for some kind of magic wand or something I guess. So I guess I have to get busy. So I'll need some help staying on track - I assume you'll be there for that?

Respectfully (with love),

Valri

To: Valrismith@ymail.com

cc:

Dear Valri:

You bet. Now go for it!

Your fan,

God

P.S. Enjoy "Spamalot" on Thursday. Its hilarious.