Lose/Lose

Why is it that I always see the glass half empty, I always have buyers remorse, the grass is always greener elsewhere? I wish I just could KNOW what I want and be confident about it. Since I don't, every crossroads feels like a perpetual state of lose/lose. And as it happens life has put me (and millions of others) right in the middle of the 405/101 interchange. (For those not familiar with Los Angeles, this interchange is roughly the equivalent of hell.)

A week ago, I wrote about an offer I thought I was going to get. The interview went well; we were talking salary and benefits. I suspect that what I was asking was outside of what they expected to pay but they had said that my experience was of value to them and so I felt that they might make adjustments. I also knew they were seeing other qualified candidates (and there are many these days) but truly, my biggest fear was what I was going to do when I got the offer.

As of now, it appears I am not getting the offer. The publisher had indicated that he would get back to me by the Friday that just passed. So, OF COURSE, I am in a panic that I didn't get the job.

The truth is, I cannot work for less than the package I asked for. Its not about ego, its about realities. So in this case, there is nothing I could have done. But while last week I was feeling cavalier about the benefits of this job, today I am thinking how rare it is to be looking at a triple header: a place where you like the people, the job is interesting, and offers opportunity for success. Even if it is an hour way from where you live. And even if you do have to get used to getting up in the morning.

I am still in the running for another job I have interviewed for. This one offers a much more substantial package - it is a bigger company - but who knows if I will get that offer?

And while I didn't feel a hint of it in my recent interviews - in prior interviews (as well as those to come), the fact is not lost on me that I am old for this industry. Oh I know, no one discriminates based on age or sex or race or religion or sexual orientation. Except for when they do. And in years past, when thinking about the realities of my industry being youth obsessed, I wondered about cosmetic surgeries when I got to be this age. But now that I am this age, it feels weird to consider such a drastic measure for a job. I think I would become very resentful. To say nothing of how I would feel if I came out looking like Halloween. But people do it.

All I can say is that I don't think being born in 1957 is working to my advantage in this economy. If I'm not careful I might start feeling Willie Loman-ish.

On the other hand, also within this past week, I have been approached about 3 possible speaking engagements. And I have been given some encouragement about writing a book based on a previous speech I gave. So this is all going in the direction of "the dream". "Signs" a-plenty! But man, oh man! As you may have guessed, I'm scared to death about the possibility of getting "the dream" too.

Jump.