Valri Jay Jackson Schwartz Jackson Smith - Schwartz?

This beats EVERY stupid, frustrating or unbelievable thing that has ever happened to me before . This goes down in the "Are You Sure You're Not Making This Whole Thing Up?" file. And while I don't drink anymore, I have been given a compelling and justifiable reason to start again.

After being laid off last month and losing my insurance, we were in the process of rolling over onto the Screen Actors Guild health plan through Bob. I was so excited - the insurance is excellent - better than what I had with my company - and all we had to do to get enrolled is provide birth certificates for the girls to prove them as dependents and a marriage certificate for me and Bob. Getting all the documents together was easy due to the fact that I had set up files a few years back. All birth certificates were right where they should be - but missing was a marriage certificate.

Bob and I got married at San Francisco City Hall on August 2, 1991. My mother-in-law and brother-in-law signed as witnesses, and my friend Cyndy was there to witness as well. It is my belief that we obtained the license in Los Angeles County. In fact, I am fairly sure of it because there were three babies at home in Van Nuys (where we lived) and we couldn't take a real honeymoon so we decided to take advantage of a really short business trip I had coming up in San Francisco. I could write off the trip and then make a little "wedding weekend" of it. And we wouldn't have had time to get a license in San Francisco. We would have needed to get it here. But I can't be certain of that. We arranged for our friend Charles to stay with the girls, and once my business trip was scheduled, we flew up north, rented a car, I did a little business in the city on Thursday, we got married on Friday (having made an appointment to do so with the San Francisco City Hall), spent two nights in Napa, and flew back home on Sunday. All of this is recorded on video - our trip up there, the ceremony, our honeymoon - to say nothing of photographs, etc. There is even a photograph of Bob and me signing the certificate. But where that certificate is - I have no idea - and this isn't the kind of document one typically "misplaces". Or one wouldn't think. But then, "one" isn't me.

"One" would also think, though, that obtaining a record like this is relatively simple. Not so. At least not in this household. I went through Vitalcheck - an online service that will facilitate getting what we need and I filled out the online form but of course, we have to get a notarized form to accompany the online portion. Oh, and it will take a bloody month! Okay - that's a headache but I suppose I can wait. But gnawing at me was the possibility that I was going to the wrong Hall of Records because I cannot say for absolute certain where the license was actually purchased. And it would be a real drag to wait a month only to hear "we cannot locate the license you are looking for out of this location". I mean, I've got the ring. I've got the photos. I've got the mortgage. Isn't that enough? Apparently not.

So I start paying $6.95 here and $7.90 there to online records services that tell me they can locate any birth, death, divorce or marriage record on file for anyone and so, I figure, they can identify the Hall of Records our license is buried at. And guess what? After several service fees I have learned that NO ONE has our license! I finally get through to one of the services and this guy and I are on the phone and he starts checking.

"What name were you married under?", he asks.

"Valri Jackson", I tell him.

"I'm not finding anything there. What did you say your husband's name was?"

"Robert Smith"

"No, I don't have anything here for you and Robert Smith"

"Did you check San Francisco?"

"Let me see. Can you hold for a moment.... No, nothing there. Were you ever married to a Barry Schwartz?"

"Yes, yes, that's me. I had thought I had gone back to my maiden name after the divorce but maybe the license is registered under that name!"

"No. But I do show your marriage license to Mr. Schwartz. But I don't show a record of divorce. You said you divorced Mr. Schwartz?"

"YES OF COURSE! I couldn't have gotten a new marriage license without a legal divorce now could I?"

"Well I show no record of another marriage license."

"You mean the record shows that I am still married to Barry?"

Silence.

"It is the only record I show."

Excuse me????????????

So where does this leave me? Well perhaps I'm single. Or perhaps I am married to my ex. Or perhaps I am an unwitting polygamist. Hmmmm.

Okay then - let the medication begin!

I called my ex-husband, Barry, and he is going to look for copies of the divorce papers (because

of course I don't have those either) but he assures me that he filed the papers himself in Burbank. And he is a responsible person, so I am comforted. But I had a million things to do today and I got none of them done. None! BECAUSE I - APPARENTLY - AM NOT MARRIED! At least not to the man who fathered my children. Instead, maybe to the man in this photo - circa 1981. A great guy but - well let's just say there's no going back. I can only imagine what he is thinking of all this right now. (Hi, Barry! Pretty funny, huh? You're laughing at all of this, right? And hey - would you mind throwing me on your insurance until we get this mess settled? I may still qualify under you and I'm due for the annual girl appointments...)

Of course, all of this is a comedy of errors (did I say comedy?) Because of course I am divorced. And Bob and I did pay for and received a marriage license. And we were legally married in the city of San Francisco - by a judge - nearly 20 years ago. With people there. And video. Its just that somehow, there is a snag in record keeping by us and, seemingly, the State of California.

So tomorrow Bob and I will go, in person, to City Hall in Van Nuys, the likely homeland of the paper which began this 20-year for-better-or-for-worse story and for the next four weeks, while we wait for them to dig us out of the archives, I will be living without health insurance and in a state of marriage limbo. And based on what they find, or don't, I may be sending out wedding invitations. And if that is the case, I will register with a variety of bridal registries. I need sheets and I would like crystal. All mine from the last go around are broken.

I figure I may as well get something out of this mess. I'll keep you posted.