The Monstrous Experience of Monster

Perpetually applying for jobs through Monster.com, et al is extremely frustrating. Here is how it goes:

You find a job post you hope that: a) it isn't just a protocol post because they have actually already filled the position within or with a buddy, b) they are really sincere about the EOE thing, c) by seeing the job 5 hours after it posted, you aren't already too late.

Next, you go to your "Linkedin" page and see if any of your "connections" currently work there, have worked there, or are less than two connections from someone who works there. If you are unfamiliar with "Linkedin" it is structured like any other social media network but it focuses on your business contacts. Instead of "friends", as they are called on Facebook, you have "connections". It operates under the "6 degrees of separation" theory, letting you know if you are 1, 2, 3 or more "connections" away from someone you want to get in front of. But let's face it, if you want to see the VP Sales of XYZ company, a recommendation from a "connection" to a "connection" to a "connection" ain't gonna help you at all. I have over 100 "connections" and so far they have been of no use. Aside from actually being my friends - for the most part.

As it happens, I am appallingly lacking in "direct connections" to businesses I am applying for. It is, however, directly attributable to the fact that there are still no jobs in my industry. SO for the most part, my resume and a cover letter go out - into the great black hole of the world wide web and presumably eventually reach their destination along with uncountable others who are applying for the same job in the same manner. And sadly, I must say, that is usually the end of it. Which means I am available to watch "The Bonnie Hunt Show" by noon. Or exercise.

Hi Bonnie!

You learn to "read" between the lines on these job posts as well. "Entry level" or "2 years experience in (fill in the blank) or related field" means: "This job doesn't pay what most people in this field are willing to work for so we're taking a look outside". "Salary: $40,000 to $250,000" means: "This job pays $40,000. Period. You might make $250,000 if you have magical powers". Health benefits means: "For you. If we offered coverage for your family, we would have said so". "Aggressive go-getter who likes to be his/her own boss" means: "Commission only". "4 year college degree or equivalent job experience required" means "4 year college degree required". And you really hope that "EOE" doesn't mean "so long as you match the image we are carrying around in our heads".

Once you click "apply" for a job, you usually are directed to a questionnaire that asks all the questions that can easily be answered by reading your resume - which they have asked you to attach. Then you move on to more specific questions. Even if the job description says that a college degree is not required, you are asked which college you graduated from (in my case I have to put "N/A"). I am then directed to a question that asks what level of education I completed and it always says "High School or GED" which really bothers me because there has always been a stigma attached to "GED" and to have "High School" thrown in with it makes obvious that there is now a stigma attached to High School as well. But it is where I fall, so there I go.

Now here is where they get sneaky. It is against the law to ask someone how old they are in the application process or interview. It is especially important for me because there can be erroneous and pre-conceived notions about what a "seasoned" applicant can bring to the table and you want a chance to get an interview before they know how old you are. This way you have an chance to dazzle them with your charm, if not your expertise, and get them to forget that you could easily be their mother. SO I get really ticked off when they ask the YEAR you graduated and asterisk it by saying that providing this information is mandatory. How do they get away with that? I am so tempted to fill in that blank by saying "1975 which means I am 52 and the AARP keeps calling me and I have to dye my hair because I have so much grey and I am in menopause so I am very gassy as of late and I may need thyroid medication and I'm not available for interview this Thursday because I have to attend my fourth funeral this year and you would probably rather hire my daughter".

The final section is the section where they tell you "by law, you are not required to answer the following questions". This is where they ask your sex and your ethnic background. But if you don't answer, you fear that they will assume you have an attitude or that you have something to hide. As far as ethnic background, I want to check all of them because I really have a bit of everything, save possibly, Asian. But I am recognized as "white" and my legs surely attest to that - so that is what I check.

Then you attach your resume and fret over a cover letter which they probably won't read anyway and then you hit "send". Bye bye!

Now every so often, they respond. They respond by sending another questionnaire via email, which you fill out and return via email. Then you hope to get a call, where they will schedule a phone interview (which I always ace) and then they schedule a face-to-face. And hopefully you move up the ranks to employment nirvana. A place I still aspire to.

So in the meantime, I am starting pilates, I have lunch with friends, I volunteer, and I blog. Nice work if you can get it.