Unfortunate Yard Ornamentation

Shame on me! I'll go ahead and say that upfront. It seems ludicrous that with all the things I could focus my thoughts on - not the least of which would be removing the tacky plank from my own eye - I should focus on the need to remove the tacky splinters from the neighbors'. "Tacky" is a subjective thing. One person's tacky tchatchke is someone else's tacky treasure but what we can all agree upon is that tacky does exist. I can put up with a lot. But tacky in the neighborhood is one thing I cannot abide.

I do think that most people would agree that cars on the lawn, RVs or boats on the street in front of the house for more than a weekend, Christmas lights left up past January 7th, pink flamingos, "lawn jockys", pre-fab metal awnings, chain link fences, and neon colored house paint are an eye sore. But my personal sense of tackiness extends to stained glass windows on front doors, topiary, ornamental statues of significant size, dead grass (I am guilty of that myself), newspapers not picked up on the driveway (guilty again), marble columns on a tract home, and finally wall ornaments that can be seen from the curb.

Now I have seen a lot of wall ornaments that I like and some might even be attractive in the front, but given the mistakes that can be made, unless you want me to choose them for you, best to keep them all in the back yard. Just sayin'.

So let me tell you about what the neighbors have done that is giving me such anxiety that I have taken the time to write about it. (After 16 years of living here I still don't know any of my neighbors well enough to do more than nod at them in passing - so I think its fairly safe to say that none of them will be reading this.) The neighbors down the street have been working on their house for some time. And they have been extremely organized and neat and clean about it - which I really do appreciate. It is clear that there has been some expense in the selection of the materials used and I would say that they had immensely improved the curb appeal of their house since they moved into the neighborhood.

Until...

Until they hung (between two picture windows on a very large, prominent, and highly visible wall facing the street) a Great. Big. Granite. Angel. Now I have nothing against angels. I quite love them actually. But they belong above a child's bed. And this was not a Christmas angel - which would have been justifiable if only for one month out of the year. This was a warrior angel. A mighty warrior angel, holding in one mighty arm what appeared to be a wounded (or even dead) naked, man (covered only by cloth placed strategically), while the other arm is poised toward heaven like Superman on takeoff.

This angel caused me great despair each day as I passed it - coming and going. I could not imagine who would ever have thought "Look at that magnificent, granite angel holding a dead man! I have just the place for it!" Every time I passed the house I would look to see if I could see the owners - hoping to see if they wore a nun's habit or clerical collar or a space suit -anything to explain this peculiar choice of ornamentation. I never did. Have NO idea who they are.

I thought of calling our homeowners' association - but we don't have that kind of a homeowners' association. Ours is just responsible for keeping the neighborhood grounds kept up. We don't have a lot of enforceable rules. And I felt guilty too. Because angels are good things. And maybe we need to be reminded of their presence. And if I were ever in trouble, I would sure be happy to see one. But probably not that one. And especially not there.

Then one day, the angel disappeared. The space where it once hung was empty. I don't know if it broke, or the homeowner's association had an emergency meeting, or if it flew away. But it was gone. And I was much relieved.

Until...

Until about two months later when, in the angel's place, there appeared a great, big, round, cafeteria-sized - clock!! It has a brushed nickel frame. And all 12 numbers are present. Not even in roman numeral format. Like a kitchen clock. Only giant.

And it works.

And about now I'm thinking that a big ol' RV on the street would be just the thing to block that view.