My Face Betrays Me

Today was interesting. I went to Grace's school earlier than I normally do to pick her up so that I could go into the office and pay her monthly tuition. I went into the office and sat down to write my check and the secretary there, knowing I have been unemployed, asked me how it was going. I began to tell her how we have had to make a lot of adjustments but how really okay we were and how I am still looking but how difficult it has been due to my age and lack of college degree and how I still felt very hopeful because I know that there is something new for me out there and while I don't know what it is I am excited because I know that it's coming. And while I was talking I could feel the muscles in my face involuntarily moving into "crying position". I didn't cry. I didn't even feel like crying. But my face, I could tell, cried. And I know the secretary saw it and I felt so embarrassed. Like she thought I was putting up a brave front. You know, I can sort of deal with not having a job. But it is very hard to deal the the feeling you get after months of unsuccessful searching that you are not, for some unknown reason, desirable in the job market. I long to feel "on top of the world" again. Most days I really do feel fine and hopeful for whatever the future holds, but there is clearly something going on deep inside, something I'm not even consciously feeling, that is still not over being laid off. Whatever it is, my face knows it.