On Being Right - Part II

Yesterday I was having some fun with "being right all the time". I acknowledged what I always knew: being "safe", or in other words, "free from fear" is what motivates me. And then I wrote that it was the most important thing to me - "even above happiness". My first reaction to seeing that written on a page was to backspace and write something else but the more I looked at it, the more I realized it was true. And I hadn't expected to go there when I started writing yesterday. It certainly wasn't something I wanted to look at. So, for my own sake - I posted it.

I've spent some time trying to make something out of that revelation, to tie it up nicely in away that would not embarrass me. The fact is, I can't. Because I don't have an answer. At least not yet.

I did begin to think though, about how we all, over time, have collected what I can only think of metaphorically as barnacles. We establish thoughts and behaviors and if we're not careful, they stick to us - as ugly or useless as they are. And I carry a lot of barnacles of fear. I am sure I am not alone. I do wonder what I'd look like if I could remove them though.

It is true that I feel most at peace when I know everyone is in good health, money is in the bank, bills are paid, the house is clean, everyone is behaving and on a good path. I think most people would feel the same way. But what I've never mastered (or attempted to master) is the ability to embrace the fact that those things will never line up together. And sometimes nothing lines up at all. So peace eludes me for the most part.

It occurs to me that maybe it is in embracing the lack of safety in life that leads to the peace I am looking for. God certainly doesn't promise an easy go of it. And we are certainly all going to die some day - and not a ONE of us knows when. Financial security is unfathomable for 95% of the world's population. And historically, it is those who have stumbled hard who have risen to be leaders. I know that through pain you find purpose. I want so badly to be the exception. But how many opportunities have been missed, how many doors un-opened, how much peace not experienced - all in the name of "being safe"?

This "I'm Always Right Club" started as a joke - but if you ask my family they'll tell you that I do thrust it upon them. It is a lonely club to be truthful. I know this is something I really need to examine and change. Not just for my family, because they'll follow their own paths regardless of my attempts to put them on mine. I need to stop clinging to perceived "safety" - for me. Perhaps that's what this time in my life is all about.

I already know that this "I'm Always Right Club" ID card will be the hardest thing in my purse to get rid of. I'll keep you posted.