Hannah Montana Should Not Live Here

Grace is watching reruns of Hannah Montana and the Suite Life of Zach and Cody. She has watched these episodes so many times in rerun that she actually knows the lines by heart. Please take that literally, because it is true. She also watches something called The Wizards of Waverly Place and The Jonas Brothers show - basically anything that runs on the Disney Channel - no matter how insipid (with all due respect to my former employer). Now all these shows are great and appropriate for my 10-year-old but I have come to hate the Disney Channel. In trying to fool myself into believing that I am "spending time" with my daughter, I sit in the room with her while she watches for eternity - and I read or do what ever I want to do. And so, I hear and see the programs again and again with her. Until I have to leave the room. Letting her continue to watch -over and over and over and over - infinity.

I am a horrible mom.

THERE IS NO EXCUSE. But here's my excuse. There's only so much time you can spend in the world of a non-adult - whatever the age - before you need to slit your wrists. No matter HOW much you desperately love that person. BECAUSE, as an adult, your attention span is different, your energy level is different, your time schedule is different, and your interests are different. There are some grown women who do love to play endlessly with kids (my mother was one of those, my daughter Amanda is another) but I think they are a rare breed. I know lots of moms who claim to love to play with their kids but its a fake because while they may do a lot of stuff with their kids, they usually bring one of their friends along for the ride too. And that friend invariably brings her kids. Even I could do that.

However, when you are at home during the day, and all your friends are at work and you live on top of a hill where the nearest other child is a car ride away, Hannah and crew start to look pretty good. To her credit, she is safe and wholesome so I approve of her as a friend, so to speak. But it cannot go unnoticed that Hannah and all her cronies completely ignore my little girl sitting on the other side of the flat screen. And when my daughter starts speaking their lines - from memory - before she hears the characters saying them, I know she is in desperate need for a little human interaction.

So, I need to put my daughter first for a while. "Hey Grace, why don't you turn off the TV and let's do something." She turns to face me and with sarcasm beyond her years she tilts her head downward, raises one eyebrow and looks at me with a "you're kidding, of course" look. I raise both my eyebrows and win the staring contest. "What do you want to do?", I ask. "I dunno. " Sudden enthusiasm overtakes her. "What about Twister!" (I'm wondering what Hannah is up to already). "Uh, not Twister, okay? Wait a minute! Is your room clean yet?" "No." "Okay go clean your room and then we'll go do something". She drags herself down the hall. I have just bought myself 40 minutes. The room should only take 10 but my kids don't like to clean (see previous post). So I take a moment to consider what we could do together that would not bore me senseless within 15 minutes and not make a bigger mess than the one I'm looking at right now. Clearly, we have to leave the house. Did I mention it is 110 degrees outside?

"Hey Grace, do you wanna go to the mall?"

"Can we buy anything?"

"No."

"Then no." Okay she's just like me.

I try again. "What about a movie?"

"What movie?"

"I dunno, what about Ice Age 113, or whatever sequel it is?"

"Nah."

"What about Harry Potter 109? Is he a grandpa yet?"

"Nope I'm going to see that with Jennifer. I'd go see 500 Days of Summer with you."

Who is this child??????

I rack my brain trying to think of something both of us are interested in doing. She's not a baby anymore so I can't just take her to the park and let her climb stuff. But she's not a teenager so I'm not taking her to her movie of choice either.

She comes up with an idea. "Why don't we go to the pool!"

We happen to be the only house in the neighborhood that doesn't have a pool in the backyard so we belong to the Conejo Family Country Club, not to be confused with North Ranch Country Club or Sherwood Country Club where the Mercedes in the parking lot is the lowest present on the auto hierarchy chain. Our club has no golf course or tennis court or well appointed locker rooms, restaurants or staff dressed in white. We have soccer mom vehicles in our parking lot. BUT we have something they do not! A glorious pool! And normally, I would say that Grace had come up with a marvelous idea. Except! This summer it appears that the economy has hit everyone and no one has gone away - they are all at the club. Which means that I must either wear a towel around me all afternoon or wear a paper bag over my head. Because walking around in a bathing suit is just out of the question!

I scramble. "Hey, what if instead, we pack a picnic dinner and take it to the pool and go swimming with daddy tonight!" Jackpot! "Yeah! That'll be cool. We'll go swimming when its dark?" "Yes!", I respond with a wave of relief.

So we've got it figured out. I finally know what we're going to do. But we have about 5 hours till dark.

"So can I watch TV for a while, mom?"

I realize I have been running in place. What am I going to do? "Okay, but can you watch something other than the Disney Channel" (at least I take a stand).

"Sure", she says. Then she changes the channel to Nickelodeon and throws me a quick "gotcha" smile.

I am a horrible mom.

But tonight we went to the pool and swam alone in the dark. And it was divine!