This whole transition period of my life is really getting to me. I finally feel like I've come to some terms with it but I can tell I've reached my tolerance level because I am beginning to think I am dying. Again.
I am a practicing hypochondriac. If they gave degrees in this I would have my PhD. My specialty is cancer. I am forever giving myself cancer. I must say here that it isn't my intention to make fun of cancer. Or hypochondria, for that matter. Both are debilitating. I have had two cancer scares in my life and ongoing battles with the latter. Neither are funny.
What I do find somewhat humorous though is the predictability of it. Just as I feel I've gotten on top of whatever frightening "Goliath" I am facing, I start fretting over dying. Its like squeezing an old balloon in your hand - no matter how you try to squish the whole thing, a piece of it pops out through your fingers. Somehow, it survives. Such is the case with anxiety. Once you think you've got it nailed, it just shows up in a different place.
The funny thing about hypochondria (not so funny actually) is that it waits until you've gotten everything else in order to rear its ugly self. And then it laughs at you because you cannot, no matter how you try, control dying. Hypochondria is the ultimate disorder for control freaks. Those crazy nut jobs who feel that the world would stop turning if their own little plans don't pan out. And that would be me.
I am not inclined toward another walk with Celexa, not that there is anything wrong with it, its just that I have to find another doctor and blah, blah, blah, endless blah...
So what's a girl to do? I decide upon that age old standby. I pray.* And this is what I hear:
"I am in your midst. It is not about cancer or jobs. It is about Me. Seek Me where you are. Seek Me in this moment...I have plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future... Why do you fret about your health? What stops you from going to a doctor? If there IS something, catch it in time! But remember I am The Healer. Let Me heal your mind... Worry = immobility. Concern = action... Worry is not of My nature. I worry for nothing. But I often have concern and there I take action. Let this be your model."
And there you have it. A reassurance that worrying is not only a monumental waste of time, God Himself doesn't want you to engage in it. Sometimes I have clarity about what its all about.
In 2005, my family went on a mission trip to South Africa with our church. We stayed at a orphanage in an AIDS ravaged community in the Kwazulu Natal region of the country. Upon arrival, I saw children, without birth parents, running around on parched earth, playing with each other in old shoes, tattered (but functional) clothing and with what looked to be beat-up, second-hand toys and equipment. These children enjoyed a much better life any other resident in the community. Because of the support from outside organizations, they had small houses to live in, three meals a day, medical attention, and a "house mom" who nurtured and cared for them. Yet all I could see was what they didn't have and my initial thought was - if only we could take them all back to America.
What I learned was that these children, children who live with the possibility that death could take a friend or even themselves - every day - had far exceeded the level of contentment I had in my own life. They had been raised with unwavering faith in God and had watched as God provided. Assisting each other as they saw a need was as natural to them as breathing. It was absolutely amazing to me to see a 12-year-old, "rough and tumble" boy pick up a crying baby and bounce it on his knee without blinking an eye. Or a girl, in the midst of playing a game of soccer, stop the ball to run and lift a child who had fallen off her crutches some 30 yards away. Without being asked. Without looking to see if someone else would do it first.
The very last thing these children needed was to come to America where they would be exposed to a culture that worries, a culture that has blurred the the very distinct line between want and need, a culture that is mired in the belief that worth is tied to your ability to keep up with or exceed the lifestyle of your neighbor. A culture that says me first, and then, if there's time, you.
The children of the Lily of the Valley orphanage never showed worry (although, arguably they had much to worry about). They were not immobilized by fear or depression. They did demonstrate concern. And upon that, they acted.
Can you imagine if we all stopped worrying? Stopped worrying about whether or not we own a home or have more than enough in the bank? Stop worrying about the price of gas or what the stock market is doing? Imagine if we could carry with us the contentment and confidence that God would, as He promises, supply our needs, and that we ourselves would not think to stop what we were doing to pick up a neighbor when he fell off his crutches.
Perspective. Perspective = peace.
* Let me be clear. I am a firm believer that Celexa and prayer can walk hand in hand. Celexa has been known to be a gift from God.
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