Its My Pity Party and I'll Cry if I Want To.

I feel like I am plucking petals from a daisy. I want a job. I want a job, not. I want a job. I want a job, not. I want... This daisy seems to have no end to its petals.

Today has been one of those days that doesn't count. I feel rudderless and purposeless. I also feel completely unmotivated. So where does that leave me? Very unsatisfied.

I'm not kidding when I say that the most interesting part of my week days of late has been my dream life. It must be that there is so little going on during the waking hours that my brain is working overtime at night to keep itself amused. And the dreams have honestly been fascinating. I'd share them but my husband assures me they lose a lot in the translation.

So today is a Monday. I know this now. I didn't when I woke up. When newly unemployed, I used to think it was fabulous to wake up and not know what day it was. "What day is it? Wednesday? No? Then what? Who Cares? Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!..." Now, when I wake in the morning, if can't name the day it feels as though I may as well be drinking whiskey out of a paper bag. This morning? No clue. I had to look at my blackberry. "Okay. Monday". At the same time, I noticed it was 6:10 a.m. The world is getting up. I rolled over and tried to re-start my incredible dream (something about being able to walk on the ceiling...). When I looked again, it was 9:20. 9:20!! How can I still be in bed at 9:20? How should I start my "work" day? (Diane Sawyer has already finished her work day!) I do have several Facebook messages. I'll begin there. (Hey! Its something.) I go through them one by one and see that they are ALL comments from people I don't know who added to a comment I made on a comment someone I DO know made on their "wall" (???????) Delete.

I get up and have the first of what will be several cups of coffee. I go to my computer and begin writing a follow up letter for my recent interview. This is my primary task today. I have been asked to write an email explaining why I want the job, what I can bring to the table and how I might go about doing it. I stop and wonder if the interview had gone better, would I have been asked to do this? Yes, I would have. This is part of a screening process. It will determine whether or not I go to the next level. Its similar to being asked to give a presentation. Basically, I need to write a sales letter about myself. I ponder the point of the accomplishment based resume (see previous post.) I have thought about it. I DO want the job. I think. Well maybe not. Do I? Well I guess I do. I do. I liked the people. And I know I'd be good at this job. It offers an interesting challenge for me. I know print sales but this magazine represents the travel industry - an industry that would be new for me - and that would be fun. Its 11:30. Time for breakfast. Rice Krispies. Snap, crackle, pop! Whatever.

Writing this letter winds up taking me all day and I'm still not sure it gets a gold star. Its now 3:00 I'm still in pajamas. I am, officially, pathetic. I proof the letter and hit "send". Off it goes to face judgement. I imagine them pulling petals from a daisy - "We want her. We want her not..." The fact is, I'm not sure if this is a job I want. But I know I want the offer.

And that, my friends, is how you throw a Class A Pity Party. And I guess we're all entitled occasionally. But lest I fall into the pit of hell again, I have made a list for tomorrow. Lists ensure accomplishments take place, and accomplishments ensure satisfaction. My list begins early in the morning with housework that has piled up. It includes a manicure and a hair appointment. It includes putting fresh flowers from the rose garden in the house. It includes more job searching, networking, and research for my next interview. Which, by the way, is on Wednesday. Hopefully I'll remember what day that is when I wake up.

Hope. And faith. Always.