"A Change Will Do You Good" - some man

I have heard tell that 50 is the new 30. Mostly I have heard myself telling it to others. And were it not for the fact that biology is telling me otherwise, I might even believe it.

Let me just say a few words about menopause. A very few. It sucks.

Yes, there are all the irregularities of being irregular. There are the hot flashes. There are the unwelcome surprises. There are the mood swings. There are the daily trips to WebMD to make sure that all your abnormalities are normal because your mother never told you it would be like this. And if any man experienced this, they would think they were dying.

But the most insidious aspect of this mid-life change is what it does to your brain. Periodically I am at a complete loss of clarity, thought process, even simple words fail me. I forget things. I lose things.

A Recent Conversation in My Home:

Bob: "Where's my phone".

Me: " You left it on the table by the... you know... that big thing... over there... YOU KNOW... oh God! WHY CAN'T I THINK OF THE WORD??? Bob! Oh c'mon - HELP ME OUT. You know what I mean - its right there - this is stupid - that big thing right there - across from the table - oh God! I am going to lose my mind - what is it???"

Bob: "You mean, the door?"

Me: (humiliated) "Yes. The door. Thank you".

A Recent Activity:

Me: (thinking) "I left my shoes in the family room. I'm going to get them so that I can put them away". Walk, walk, walk, walk, walk (13 steps to the family room). "What did I come in here for???"

A Recent Rant:

Me: (Yelling from my bathroom.) "Okay which one of you girls took my brush? I am so sick of looking for things that belong to me and finding they are GONE!" Oh don't even answer because I know all I am going to hear is that none of you took it, which will totally piss me off.Because none of you will ever fess up. Yes, the brush fairy came to re-claim it. Damn it! If you can't find your own brushes - GO BUY YOUR OWN and quit getting into MY stuff!!!!!!!!Someone bring me back my brush! GIRLS! Get up and start looking for my brush!!! (One of the girls walks into my bathroom and produces it from the drawer. The same one I already looked in. The one where it belongs.) "Oh. Well it wasn't there a second ago" (Did I actually just say that?)

A Recent Car Ride:

Girls: "Mom can we roll the window down?"

Me: "No. I have the air on."

Girls: "But mom, its hot in here."

Me: "No its not. Its very comfortable."

Girls: "Because all the vents are blowing directly at you."

A Recent Assessment:

Me: (Looking in the mirror) "Who is that?"

I think it is a real testament to our sex that we all go through this without doing damage to ourselves or the world at large.

But the very, very worst part about menopause is this: I never, ever, ever want to have another baby. Ever. I will never change my mind about that. But soon, it will no longer be my choice. It will simply be a fact. And that makes me want to cry.

(Did I mention that you cry all the time?)